‘Use Your Inside Voice’
Speak kindly to yourself. You’re always listening…..
Zeeland, 2021
Use Your Inside Voice
I bet you’ve heard parents scold their children with these words. Some call it using the indoor voice. Either way, you get the message. Basically, stop shouting, don’t speak aggressively, regulate your volume, chill with the vim and “gra-gra”. But any toddler parent knows that doesn’t make literal sense, because those guys don’t whisper when they’re indoors, do they?
Anyway, today I’m talking about that expression in the intended sense; the sense that your indoor voice, the voice you speak with when you’re at home in your cosy sacred space should be calm, low, measured and controlled. More than anything else, I believe the intent is for this voice to be relaxed, not rushed, soothing and comfortable; not restricted by any sense of urgency or need to prove a point with limited time and attention to do so. This was my understanding when I thought about this expression the other day, and then asked myself a question that stopped me in my tracks.
Why don’t I use my inside voice when I’m talking to myself?
Doesn’t get more inside than that, does it? And while I would typically answer yes to the question as to whether I considered myself worthy of love and gentle care, I struggled to answer that question.
I think speaking to oneself harshly can be one of the side effects of being a realist. It comes with being self-aware. While I may have moved more than a few miles away from the girl who didn’t take time for introspection, I apparently had developed a hard, stern inner voice. One the one hand, it shows that I’m honest enough with myself to scold myself, set bold targets and hold myself accountable. But when did that voice become so firm and akin to tough love? Why is it so easy for me to adopt a military approach towards my own internal communication? Why do I speak more gently to others than I do to myself?
Now, this is not to say I spend all my quiet moments kicking myself, no. But I noticed I didn’t dedicate enough time to personally celebrating my wins on the inside. I would gloss over the good stuff and be so obsessed about getting better at the not-so-great stuff that I ended up spending a good chunk of me-time bashing myself. But why can’t I spend the same or more energy speaking gently to myself? Why are the wins not worth the time? Why is the next goal so important that the value of the last goal fades into obscurity in as much time as it takes to give myself a brief round of applause? Like, why is doing nothing and simply basking in my awesomeness not something I actively and deliberately plan to do?
I’ve read varying versions of “letter to my 16-year old self..” articles etc. But we are so good at looking back and waxing poetic about what we would do differently. So I asked myself “Why not now?” I must try speaking to my 38-year old self in the same gentle way I would speak to that 16- or 20-year old that has grown into this woman.
So what does my inside voice (try to) sound like, because guess who has been practising its cadence and modulation recently? Here are a few tips I’ve adopted and I’m working on:
Those words you say to yourself? Imagine someone said them to you. The routine you’ve created around your inner monologue over time? Imagine your significant other or close friend spoke to you like that consistently over the same period. On the flip side, consider what kind of friend or partner you would be if these were words you said to the people you love. You see where I’m going, yeah? I am trying to treat myself as I would someone I’m madly in love with.. Because… yeah!
Focus on striking a balance between the thoughts that are meant to challenge and those that are meant to soothe. And by soothing, I’m not talking about glossing over your gaffes; no, that’s in the challenge column, sorry :) So I try to quickly follow a critical thought with a positive or encouraging one. And in some cases, heck, go ahead and replace that thought, because you and I know that not all criticism is constructive. Yes, that also applies to personal criticism!
Mentally (and even in writing if you are so inclined) catalog your strengths and virtues. If you are around any children, ask them. They’re super honest so brace yourself first ‘cos they may decide to add “extra” feedback too. I catalog compliments as well. Even passing statements like “I always knew you would do great things” and if I’m comfortable I ask for more.. “Really, what made you so confident I would?” Yes, I’m fishing for compliments and yes I’m quite literally letting them get to my head. That’s exactly where I need them as a matter of fact.
Remind yourself of your past wins. Actually sit with them and acknowledge what a badass you are!
Finally, try to link your “challenge thoughts” to the soothing thoughts. I remind myself how good I am at the things I’m good at. Then I challenge myself to extend that excellence to other areas. And when I find that I’m not quite meeting those goals, it doesn’t feel so bad because guess what? My starting point was my awesomeness anyway. And you’re wondering, doesn't that make you complacent and not motivated to be better? Well, I don’t know about you, but being more awesome is always going to be more attractive to me than being this awesome.
I try to adopt this new approach not just generally in my quiet moments, but also when I think of myself as a mum, a wife, a sibling, a child, a friend; as I go through my busy days and make silly mistakes; as I wade through what feels like a billion emails and as I participate in frivolous or deep whatsapp chats or conversations. One line of text I type and hit “send” on might have me rereading, regretting and then gently remembering that with the phone in my hand, I have the power to reword the next line to better reflect the person I am becoming. Bottom line: It seems like a long journey, so why don’t I travel in comfort, ease, kindness, calmness, peace and a soothing sense of worth? Why not use my inside voice when I’m inside, and create a mental space that lets me express myself with more focus, awareness and control on the outside.
I wonder if you can relate, and if this helps you in any way. Please let me know in the comments, share your own methods and maybe someone else could learn too.
And now for our song of the week…. “So today baby… Remember it’s okay… We’re all Floating Through Space…..” by (my fav) Sia…. Let’s just say I’ve missed writing to you, I’m glad you read my posts, I’m grateful we’ve made it through another day and I’m so excited for the future.
