Dark Clouds and Rays of Light
“I try to squint through the dark cloud of depression, not peeping past it, but slowly feeling the warmth of the single ray pushing through; gearing up to resume my default stance, arms akimbo, basking in the sun and raring to go again!”
I would say Happy New Year, mainly because this is my first post of 2021; and also, I’m Nigerian. It’s Happy New Year the first time I see you in the new year, or until the year starts to feel old… whichever comes last! Anyway, how are you doing? How has 2021 been to you so far? This is not a rhetorical question. You can totally answer by replying. I would love to hear how it’s going for you.
In my last post, we explored getting in the right frame of mind to end 2020 and get into 2021; and to be honest, for me, that was probably the best thing. Because walking into 2021 was something else for me. I got hit with a huge bout of gloom. It was just this inexplicable dark cloud that made me feel a mix of lethargy, dullness and just a deep unrest accompanied by very little energy or desire to do anything about it. And I know you’re wondering, “So how was it a good thing that you ended 2020 so positive if this was how you started 2021?” And I will explain.
You see, I typically don’t let myself feel feelings. Or at least the old me didn’t. This time however, I chose to let myself go through the strange feelings, understand what I was feeling and perhaps why I was feeling that way. Having spent all that introspective down time at the end of 2020, I had exercised my inside voice muscles a bit more than usual. But at the same time, I also let myself wallow in a sense. The weight of constant positivism and cheer was becoming increasingly heavy and I felt it was necessary to let myself fall into the reality of the heaviness of the year I had had. I did this within reason, knowing my limits and recognizing that at some point, I would have to drag myself up by my bootstraps if it came to it. It helps that I have people in my life who know how to simultaneously give me room to be and hold me accountable when lines are being crossed. And I’m situationally-aware enough to recognise that not everyone has this luxury. But that’s why we need community, isn’t it? In this case, for a change, I let myself feel. I didn’t fall into the trap or give into the pressure to keep anything going. I probably stayed away from casual chats and phone calls and just looked inwards and let my inner little girl breathe.
If you follow me on Instagram, you would notice that in the recent weeks, as I settled into the new year, I have been reflecting on my motherhood journey and talking about balancing homeschooling my boys with everything else. The lockdown and everything that has come with it, has got me quite busy these days; and while it’s so easy to complain about all the inconveniences, one tool I have used recently as I emerge from the dark hollow place, and as I continue to explore the different facets of being a mum is my daily moment of gratitude. I touched on this in the last post but I wanted to share my own process with you.
So this is what I do. Before I get out of bed in the morning and just before I doze off at night, I try to think specifically and speak to myself about everything I’m grateful for. In addition to saying a prayer of thanks, I also do this to consciously maintain the stance of gratitude.
For this month, I have been grateful that I have the immense privilege to mother these two boys with whom I was blessed, despite being told I will not be able to have kids, and despite living with PCOS and hormonal imbalances on an ongoing basis.
For this week, I have been grateful for the excellent grades I received for the recent academic papers I wrote.
For today, I am grateful for you and this outlet that I have to not just share and hopefully inspire you, but to also hold myself accountable to make sure I am authentically reflecting my journey and keeping myself in check to stay the course.
Bouts of depression, scheduling ridiculousness, logistical inconveniences and global pandemics are apparently part of life. And though they come together to form a looming dark cloud over the horizon upon which we planned to hope and dream, all we need is just a sliver of sunlight. And the great thing about that is that we can create it ourselves. It may take a few tries. But the more we create those rays of light, the clearer we see through the cloud.
These are not just words to me. It’s where I am right now. Despite all the dark dark things I wrote about (which will remain in my Notes app, I think), I’m slowly feeling the warmth of the rays and I’m so ready to resume my default stance, arms akimbo, basking in the sun and raring to go!
So… I’d love to hear from you. What are you grateful for today/ this week/ this month? Say it out and let’s bask in the light!
