Mother. Daughter. Me

It’s Mother’s Day today…. Well, one of many! There’s another one coming up in May and maybe one other, I don’t know but… My strategy is to celebrate every single one I hear about.

Typically on Mother’s Day I write a note or tribute of sorts to my mother; appreciating her, acknowledging her sacrifices and investments in us, celebrating our bond and speaking blessings to her. But this past year, I’ve been intentional to not limit those declarations to mother’s day and her birthday. The most recent being 2 days ago when she called me a few minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off, acting surprised that I was still asleep. I went right into default waking up to Mummy mode and was about to quickly explain that I was actually somehow sort of not quite still asleep, and then I remembered I’m now an adult and shouldn’t do that rubbish. Anyway, she called to ask me to write a brief citation about her because she needed it for a Mother’s Day event and my madam is too modest to write her own bio. I was glad to do this. Anyone who has lost close family and has had to write a posthumous tribute can attest to the fact that writing about someone knowing they were going to read it and see in black and white how you feel about them, while on this side of eternity, is a gift and a privilege that we can’t take for granted.

It was a busy day so I only got around to writing it later at night when I was already in bed. I literally wrote it up in less than 5 minutes and sent it to her on whatsapp. Her initial response was “How do you know me so well?” And that tickled me. It was funny because I’ve known this babe all my life, right? She had the most influence on my outlook to life for the longest time. Her voice echoes in my head when I’m in the most random situations, words clear as the day she said them something like 30 years ago. She was the first attentive audience to my random ramblings and scribbles. In fact she actually is primarily responsible for my penchant to write down my thoughts, ideas, and everything else. She helped me understand who I was in various contexts and by watching her, I understood what it meant to remain authentic while being different things to different people. I went from thinking she could do no wrong to learning how to navigate our differences of opinion on certain topics while maintaining mutual respect and admiration.

So her question was very funny. I mean, my phone is always on silent and typically turned upside down when I’m sleeping, but I woke up to a call coming in from her even with no sound or blinking lights. And I can’t tell you how often this happens.

It’s an experience I try to replicate with my boys, the ease and security that comes with that bond; though she strongly believes there’s room for full replication if a daughter is still in the cards for me (we don’t agree on everything after all). I’m also reflecting today on my own motherhood journey as a mother. I reflect on my bond with my mum, beyond the regular calls and gossip sessions, the connection that has set me up for success in life, the security in knowing that I am unconditionally loved, the fact that we went from mother and child to friends in adulthood, the high baseline she set which became my starting point.

I reflect on the fact that time is flying and these boys are growing, they are slowly moving away from seeing me through the lens of perfection to seeing me as a flawed evolving fellow human. And I reflect on the fact that a day will come when we will have a conversation; one where I should be able to say to them with clear eyes and an open heart that with what I had, I did my best to set them up with an even higher baseline than the pedestal from which I was launched by my own mother. I want to be able to show them, with my full chest, that I consciously and wholeheartedly, with what I had available, provided the ecosystem that they NEEDED, to give them the starting point for the life they have to build.

Like most family, we don’t get to choose who births us or what we reproduce.. And while all of this sounds so cliché, one thread which I refuse to ignore is that none of the expected perfectionism of motherhood means anything without holding tight with authenticity the mother she is, the daughter I am, the mother I’m being, the children I’m raising within the hard context of the individuals we are.

I didn’t get the most liberal mother. My mum didn’t get the most agreeable model daughter. These beautiful boys are not getting the perfectly organised mum. And there’s no shame in that. I am exactly my own kind of person, daughter, mum and friend. And we’re just gonna have to make sense of that!

So this first Mother’s Day in this crazy unpredictable year 2021, let’s celebrate us! Not as role-bearers or in context of the “job”, but as people. Individuals who may or may not have been set up for success in this regard, but are making sense of our individuality; and creating an ecosystem where bars are raised, wounds are mended, hearts are healed, bonds are formed and life is just….. life. Not despite, but because of who we are as individuals!

So, Happy Mother’s Day, mommas. You’re a mum/mom, but you’re a person. And I celebrate that person today!

And I think this - this superhero business on top of a flawed humanity thing we’re trying to do - needs to be celebrated. And definitely more than once a year! So if you know of any other place where they celebrate Mother’s Day beyond March and May, bring it on! We deserve all the love all year round!